A Dummy's Guide to Marrying an IITian

by Hemendra Godbole

San Jose, CA

Editor's Note : Hemen's article is just a peek into Dr.Balaji's "A dummy's guide to marrying an IITian" _______________________________________________________________

As I was strolling down University Avenue the other day, a glitzy title caught my eye. I am talking books, not the titles that were walking about. In a corner, lay "A dummy's guide to marrying an IITian" by one Dr.Balaji.

As Dogbert once said - Creativity is very close to dementia. If a person has pierced ears, that is a creative person. If he has no ear, that is dementia. I scrutinize the waitress's ears - few get offended that way, and it helps to know if your espresso was shaken, not stirred by a creative person. So how is this related to the book I had picked up ? To the untrained eye, there is no connection. But since I am dealing with creative IITians here, I am sure they will find some relationship between espresso and marrying an IITian, given that there was a pretty woman involved in there someplace.

So. If I were to let the cat out of the bag in terms of details from the book, I would be offending Dr.Balaji. And as any denizen of the hallowed H4 in the early 80's knows, offending Dr.Balaji (registered trade mark) is not a good thing. However, being a true blue-blooded IITian, I need to prove that I am no dummy (you are if you bought the book, or married an IITian), and hence, I will make some expert observations here. For details, write to Dr.Balaji at Balaji[!]hotmale.com.

This is a useful book, especially if you are either related or contemplating a relationship with an IITian. Dr.B is an insightful person, and perhaps a brilliant marketing tactician. He announces up front, that the IITian species is further divided into the male, the female, the male-that-marries-an-IITian-female, and the IITian-male-that-marries-an-IITian-female subspecies. However, the focus of this book is entirely on the first male-IITian, paving the way for a "Bowling Alley" runaway strategy by hitting the other sub-species in later books. 

Since this is a dummy's guide, it is assumed that the male-IITian will marry anyone that appeals to his ego. Over the years, I have realized that the female species is not only the stronger sex, but has this uncanny ablility to control the males by massaging their egos and pretending to be relatively-dummier - if you get my drift. That explains, for example, shopping for a "Casablanca" video for $185 and responding to a stunned husband with the ir-refutable logic : "But honey! (or whatever endearment you are used to from AnnaH to Munni-ke-papa), it was on SALE!". The lesser known fact, is that all ridiculously high-priced items are put on SALE by female marketing managers that are secretly in league with your wife, so that, the female-marketing managers can make a killing at your expense, and in turn, stun their spouses by buying even more expensive fur coats since it was on ... you guessed it ! ... SALE.

Never mind. By pretending to never have a mind, it is trivial to get your IITian husband to say never mind. My respect for Dr.B had begun to grow dramatically as I thumbed through his pages. The earlier chapters deal with the ritual of courting an IITian. There are several timeless gems in there. For example, Dr.B suggests using "Oh!GOD! Calculus is so easy for you. You must be a brain" for starters. Actually, usage of the line above should be used periodically (its engine oil to a car, regardless of the age of the car). Most IITians did not really know how to solve Calculus. They relied heavily on a few genuine "toppers" to show them how it was done, and then went out into the world claiming they knew the secret salsa.  Occassionally, the IITian might get a bit ruffled. Especially if he thinks you are "dating him", empties his coffers to take you out for dinner and you spend the next weekend with your boyfriend in Goa. No fear. Call the IITian later, let him eat up the whole enchilada that he will pay for, sprinkled with more of the same salsa. Suggest that you light up enveloped in the halo of his intellect. And then walk out with a teaser saying, "Oh! You will never understand my real feelings - I wish I could write them out as an integral for you". That will divert his anger into attempting to really formulate such an integral. Watch him sweat that one. He will be so taken up with this new challenge, that you could continue seeing your boyfriend while he pleads his case to his "topper". However, he will never actually *ask* the topper - that would be too demeaning to his ego. (This trait is later manifested by his inability to ask for directions while being completely lost, and to continue driving with a purposeful look).

What ? Who replaced that creative waitress with a demented owner now ? Ah! his threatening look is nothing more than transmitting a moron-code to me announcing that they are closing for the day. As the cool 1:00am breeze swept me back into reality, I began to wonder if Dr.B was really a genius or merely pandering to an impressionable and large set of customers with his title. Was he really making a mockery of the "creme de la creme" of the great Indian intelligentsia ? Would his book be a grand success ? DOES HIS ADVICE REALLY WORK ???

As I gunned the engine, my pager lit up with a message reminding me to bring home some roses. Now why would my wife send me such a direct message at 1:00am while on my way home ? I had the answer to both my questions as I pulled into my garage, and chanced on one of the last pages in Dr.B's book. The text read :

"Tell your SO to bring home roses on special occassions. Do not expect an IITian to remember such occassions since a date is a linear entity and hence, meant for lesser mortals to solve".